I have posted several things concerning myself and my dad over the past few months. When I do this it is to neither pat myself on my back, nor to denigrate him or I.
My dad and I have not had a relationship, ever, I am almost 55 and for the first time in my life him and I have a relationship of sorts. I am not assigning blame for that, for there is blame enough to go around.
What I am doing is learning a lot more about God as we go and I get closer to him.
Today I was there and mowing his yard, for those who do not know he had his voice box taken out last year due to cancer, so we have had to learn to communicate when it was hardest for us to communicate.
For the first time ever I said I love you pop that's why I am here. Three times I told him I love him today and as far as I know it is the first time either of us have said it out loud in the hearing of the other.
Three times I said I love you.
Three times he shrugged and asked why. 3 times.
This goes back to a conversation with his sister, my aunt mary anne and I have had. She says he thinks he is beyond God's love, or anyone's love for that matter.
Today it hit me on the drive home that is probably why he did that, he doesn't know why I love him. I hope I am wrong, I hope he doesn't feel that way but as I write this my heart breaks.
Anyways, before the tears hit I told him I loved him 3 times and it felt unnatural, yet I am planting seeds.
2 or 3 times now I have been over there and I have sang gospel songs, I played a service I did for his wife, I have talked to her in his hearing of God, he does not want to hear it.
Today I was going to tell him I love him and I was going to plant seeds and tell him of Jesus Love, how he is worthy for the Lamb died for him. I was going to tell him of the Love that drew salvation's plan.
Today I failed. I was unable to broach that out loud.
Yet when I came home and was mowing my yard, I reflected on our time today and I realized I did not fail, I did plant seeds, I did grow our relationship, I did show him the love of Jesus.
Do not get me wrong I do want to be able one day soon to talk to him of Jesus, without him walking away from me, he is not the most receptive but I am not going to give up. I just hope and pray that I can get there before one of us passes on.
But we have a promise from the Bible
Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
I have never claimed to be righteous but I know I have prayed fervently, I know I serve the God that can answer that prayer.
I know that my dad has a choice and free will, I understand that. He can freely accept or reject The Word. I get that.
Yet, I am going to go down swinging, for when the day comes of the great judgment I do not know how I could handle him not being on the side that does not get tossed into the lake of fire.
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